


The Things Johnny Doesn't Say

by lamujerarana



Category: Fantastic Four (Comicverse), Marvel (Comics), Spider-Man (Comicverse)
Genre: Getting Together, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-08
Updated: 2015-11-08
Packaged: 2018-04-30 13:43:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5165948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lamujerarana/pseuds/lamujerarana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Johnny's family is gone, and he never got the chance to tell them what they meant to him. </p><p>Does he have the courage to tell Peter?</p><p>Based on the events of The Amazing Spider-Man (2015) #3. </p><p>*****<br/>Johnny just doesn't know what to do with himself anymore.</p><p>He tried reaching out to Peter, because Peter's family, and Peter knows better than anyone what it means to lose it. But Peter's busy, and he doesn't have time for Johnny, and Johnny knows that. He gets it. Peter's a busy guy. </p><p>It hurts anyways.</p><p>But now Peter's bought the Baxter Building, Johnny's home. No, the home of Johnny's family. Every room, every wall--they're all chock full of memories for Johnny. And they should be for Peter too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Things Johnny Doesn't Say

Johnny's staring up at the television, completely livid, as Peter announces that the Baxter Building is his now. 

Johnny's family is all gone. His sister, his brother-in-law, his niece and his nephew. They're all gone now.

Ben took off for space because he couldn't handle it, being back here without the rest of the family. It broke Johnny's heart to see him go, but he put on a brave face and smiled and waved goodbye anyways. 

Johnny's used to having people around who care if he lives or dies, who care about everything he does, really. He's used to getting lectured by Sue if he leaves a mess in the living room or unwashed dishes in the sink, he's used to having his niece and nephew and the rest of the FF kids around to hang on every word of his mostly made-up stories, he's used to having Ben around to tease and play pranks on and watch TV with, he's used to having Reed and Sue around to go to for advice, to push him to be better than he ever thought he could be. Now he has none of that, and that's one thing he can't get used to.

Johnny's life has always been defined by the presence of family. Now it is defined by its absence.

Johnny doesn't like what his life is like without them.

Sometimes he used to think he'd like a little bit of distance. All of the noise and the chaos and the mayhem that came from having such a large family, Johnny always loved it, but a small part of him also longed for a little bit of privacy, for some occasional peace and quiet. Now he'd give anything to have all of the noise back.

Going to sleep without the comforting sound of Ben's ridiculously loud snoring in the next room, or the sound of babies crying, or kids crawling into his bed at all hours because they had a nightmare? He can't do it. It's funny, because he used to complain about it all the time, but now he misses it, so much more than he could ever say.

It's like someone tore his heart out with a blunt knife, and all that's left is a slow, never-ending ache that will never heal. How could it ever? How could he ever recover from this? From losing everything that matters to him? 

He'd give anything to see Val's smug little know-it-all face again or hear Franklin's wide-eyed enthusiasm, to have the comfort of knowing that Reed's in his lab, saving the world, to be able to scream at Ben for dropping water-balloons on his head, to feel the old, familiar comfort of Sue's arms around him, or even have the chance to see her face again one last time, just long enough to tell her he loves her. To tell _all_ of them that he loves them.

He doesn't even know if he can find the words to explain how much they mean to him. They are everything. They are his world.

Except they aren't, not anymore, and he can't ever tell them, not ever, because they're gone, and Johnny just doesn't know what to do with himself anymore.

He tried reaching out to Peter, because Peter's family, and Peter knows better than anyone what it means to lose it. But Peter's busy, and he doesn't have time for Johnny, and Johnny knows that. He gets it. Peter's a busy guy.

It hurts anyways.

But now Peter's bought the Baxter Building, Johnny's home. No, the home of Johnny's family. Every room, every wall--they're all chock full of memories for Johnny. And they should be for Peter too.

And Peter's putting his brand on it, saying it belongs to Parker Industries, and that means that he's betraying Reed and Sue's memory, betraying Johnny, betraying Ben, betraying everything they've all done for him over the years. All of the family dinners, all of the family picnics, the crashing on their couch, the late-night movie marathons. They were a family, all of them, Peter too. Do they all mean nothing to Peter now?

He's stabbing them in the back, and it _hurts_ Johnny, and that's all that anything seems to do anymore. He thought Peter would be the one thing that didn't. He thought Peter was supposed to have his back, but lately he hasn't. It's like he doesn't care about Johnny anymore, doesn't have room for him in his life.

Johnny's been putting up with it, being patient, and god knows that's been difficult, given that he's got such a temper. But Peter's the only thing he has left, so Johnny will put up with practically anything if it means he won't lose him too.

But _this_? Johnny can't stand idly by. He's deliberately pissing all over the FF and their legacy. All over Johnny's family.

"PARKERRR!" he growls, already lighting on fire, because he's so angry he just can't hold it in. 

He leaves the bar he was in, where he was drinking alone and entertaining himself by flirting with this cute redhead, and mutters angrily to himself as he flies towards the Baxter Building. He's going home.

He's out for blood.

(Or an apology. An acknowledgement from Pete that he's being a jerk? Johnny doesn't care, he's just angry right now.)

* * *

Peter traps him in that old plexiglass the FF had trapped Pete in once upon a time, the first time Johnny'd ever laid eyes on him. Little did he know then that Peter'd turn out to be a double-crossing jerk!

Peter's being _flippant_ and cracking _jokes_ , and acting like this is _funny_ , and it _isn't_. This is _family_ \--nothing else matters. Nothing. Peter should _know_ that. Why doesn't Peter _know_ that?

And then Peter freaking _punches_ him? And tries to convince Johnny that he's _not_ the bad guy?

Look, Johnny knows bad guys, okay? And turning on your family, punching them, locking them up in plexiglass cases? That's what bad guys _do_ , you Webheaded jerk.

Johnny wants to tell him that, anyways, but he doesn't.

* * *

Peter calls a truce, dammit, and invokes their friendship. That means Johnny's honor-bound to stop kicking his ass, but that doesn't mean he has to be happy about it.

* * *

A tour, Peter? In Johnny's own home? A _tour_?

Can Johnny punch him again? Johnny wants to punch him again.

* * *

The Green Goblin's kid is running Peter's company. From Johnny's _home_.

And _he's_ Peter's best friend? Since when?

Johnny's had Peter's back, stalwart and true, for nearly a decade. Never wavered, never doubted him (until now, anyhow).

 _This_ guy's tried to kill Peter on numerous occasions. 

How come _he_ gets to be the best friend?

Johnny doesn't get it.

Johnny doesn't get it at all.

Johnny doesn't get _anything_ anymore. Things stopped making sense around the time he lost his whole family.

* * *

Peter made Johnny's old bedroom his  _executive washroom_? Oh man, now Johnny's _never_ gonna be able to sleep in there again!

Johnny's wanted to get Peter naked in his bedroom for years now. This was _not_ how he imagined it happening.

Kind of a fitting metaphor for their relationship, though, he has to admit.

* * *

The Spidey-Mobile. Johnny designed the original. Slaved over it for weeks. That was when he and Pete really got close. That was how they bonded, how they became BFFs. Pouring their hearts out over the engine of the original Spidey-Mobile.

He'd never admit it to Peter, but building that stupid thing together? Well, that was when Johnny realized he was in love with Peter. He'd never even seen his face, didn't know his name either, wouldn't for years yet, but he already loved him. Stupid, right? 

Johnny's always been a little stupid where the Webhead is concerned.

In Johnny's head, it's always been a symbol of that. Of their friendship and, more than that, of Johnny's love for Peter.

And now Pete--Pete built another one _without_ him? Without even telling him he was _going_ to? Without even asking if Johnny wanted to hang out and help build the new one? 

Johnny's been so lonely, he would've jumped at the chance to spend some time with Pete. How can Peter not have known that?

No. Peter couldn't have done this, Johnny tells himself. He just couldn't have.

Johnny doesn't know whether to cry or punch Peter in the face, but right at this moment he's angrier than he is hurt, so he chooses the latter.

* * *

Peter comes back without his Spidey suit, dressed instead in a normal suit. Aw, man, Johnny can't punch him like that and give away his secret! Peter's not playing fair.

* * *

Johnny stares up at the stone-carved faces of his family. He can't seem to tear his eyes away, or stop smiling. Sometimes it just really hits him, how much he loves them all, how much he misses them.

He's pretty sure there are tears in his eyes, and he hopes Peter doesn't notice.

So Peter _hasn't_ forgotten. Peter _does_ still care.

And then Peter explains that this is why he did it. To keep the Baxter Building safe until its rightful owners come home. 

He tells Johnny he's sure they will. 

Johnny is less sure--he's less sure of everything these days--but he appreciates the sentiment.

He calls Peter family again, because he is, because he always has been, and this proves it.

* * *

Johnny knows about Peter's secret identity, and Harry doesn't.

Hah! Johnny _is_ his best friend after all.

* * *

"I've always got your back," Johnny says to Peter. Because you've always got my heart, Johnny doesn't say.

Peter's never noticed that Johnny's been pining over him for years, and Johnny's never felt inclined to tell him, not in so many words, anyways. He does things sometimes to try to show him, but Peter never understands.

But now? Now Johnny's lonelier than he's ever been, and everyone he loves is gone, except Peter, and Johnny wishes he could tell Peter, just once, exactly how much he means to Johnny. How much he's _always_ meant to him. 

Sure, he's family, and they're friends, and they always will be. But Johnny wants so much more than that. Always has.

He's always been too afraid of how Peter will react to ever say anything.

He's not sure he cares anymore. He wants Peter to know exactly what he means to Johnny, just in case Johnny loses him too.

He didn't have the chance to tell Sue, or Reed, or Val, or Franklin. But maybe he'll have the chance to tell Peter, if he can work up the courage.

He's a superhero, right? Superheroes are supposed to be brave. But when it comes to this, Johnny's always been a coward.

* * *

Harry takes off a little while later, explaining that his babysitter's off in half an hour. 

Johnny convinces Peter to go to the roof of the Baxter Building, so they can talk and hang out until it's time to go on their mission tomorrow.

Maybe he'll tell him. Maybe he won't. But he wants to stay near Peter as long as Peter will let him.

Peter rarely ever lets him get close these days, and that breaks Johnny's heart.

* * *

They sit with their feet dangling over the edge, shoulders bumping into each other, watching the city spread out beneath them, and catch up.

Johnny insists that he's been having the time of his life, going to party after party, and it's been great, he says, so great.

Peter gives Johnny a look that says he knows Johnny's lying. "Johnny," he starts.

"Pete," Johnny says, raising a hand to stop him. "I don't want to talk about it. Really. Don't spoil a perfectly nice night. I don't get many of these anymore, you know." He'd never admit that to anyone except Peter.

Peter nods, and changes the subject. "I'm sorry," he says, "for not asking you to help with the Spidey-Mobile. Why does it matter so much to you anyhow?"

"It's...when we got close," Johnny says carefully. It's when I realized I was in love with you, Johnny doesn't say. He doesn't know why he doesn't just say it. It sounds--stupid. Pathetic. Lame. Peter will laugh at him, he knows it. Peter will tell him he doesn't have time for him. Peter will say he has so many other people who love and worship and adore him now, so why does he need Johnny?

But Johnny needs Peter, because he doesn't have anyone else, and he wants desperately to belong to someone again, the way he belonged to his family.

He wants that person to be Peter, but how on earth does he say it? It seems impossible.

"The first time we really talked," he continues.

"Oh," Peter says. "Yeah, I guess it was." He falls silent at that. Maybe he's remembering the old days, back when they all seemed invincible. Back when Johnny hadn't died and come back to life so many times he's lost track, back when Johnny's family wasn't all gone.

Johnny watches him, surreptitiously, out of the corner of his eye. He doesn't think Peter notices.

Peter is beautiful. Maybe not in a conventional way, but in Johnny's eyes? No one's ever been more beautiful. 

For years now, Johnny's measured the beauty of every man and woman he's ever slept with against Peter Parker. They've all always fallen short. 

Maybe they were more beautiful on the outside, but Peter's... _Pete_ , and that's enough to make it so that Johnny can't even look at anyone else.

There's this strength, this goodness, that radiates out from everything Pete says and does, and Johnny just wants to bask in its warmth.

"Pete," Johnny says quietly, steeling himself up, because he's going to say it, he has to say it, this is it, this is the time, he's going to. "Can I tell you something?"

"Anything," Peter says immediately. "You know that."

"Yeah," Johnny says. "But there's always one thing I've never talked about."

Peter's brows knit together. "What?" he asks. He sounds thrown. "Have you been keeping secrets from me, bro?"

Johnny shrugs and turns his face so he doesn't have to look at Peter anymore. He can't look at his face while he's saying this. "I guess," he says. "Sort of."

"Well," Peter says, "uh. Okay. So--so what is it?"

Johnny opens his mouth, but he can't quite figure out how to say it. Finally he decides he should start with, "So Sue died--"

"I know that, buddy," Peter interrupts. "I know."

"Just shut up while I say this, okay?" Johnny snaps.

Peter holds his hands up. "Fine, geez, I was just being sympathetic," he says.

"I know, buddy, I know," Johnny says, relenting. "I just--just let me get through this, okay? This is hard for me to say."

Peter nods.

"My family died, and I never had the chance to tell them. You know, what they mean to me. _Meant_ to me, I guess. I just. I wanted to tell you. I wanted to make sure you knew," Johnny manages to get out. It's a jumbled mess, but he hopes Peter can figure it out. Peter's smart. He'll know.

"I know, buddy," Peter says, clasping Johnny's shoulder. "I care about you too. Family, right?"

" _No_ ," Johnny says firmly, shaking his head. "You don't understand."

"What don't I understand?" Peter says, and Johnny doesn't even have to look at his face to know he's frowning right now.

Johnny takes a deep breath to steady himself and shuts his eyes. "I'm in love with you," he says, so quietly that he's not sure Peter heard him.

Peter's hand slips off of his shoulder. Yeah, he heard.

Johnny wants desperately to look at Peter's face, but he's also terrified of what he'll see there.

He hears Peter swallow loudly. "I had no idea," Peter croaks out.

Johnny snorts. "That's because you're stupid," he says.

"Am not, you are," Peter replies automatically. Johnny smiles, because it's like they're teenagers again for a few seconds.

Peter swallows again. "How long?" he asks.

"Have you been stupid, you mean?" Johnny says flippantly. "Probably since you were born, I'm guessing, but we'd probably have to check with your Aunt May. I mean, maybe it happened later. You could've just hit your head or something, I don't know."

" _Stop_ , you idiot," Peter chides. "You know what I mean."

Johnny sighs. He doesn't want to tell the truth, but he also promised himself he would, so he does. He shrugs and says reluctantly, "I don't know, Pete. Since always, I guess. Took me awhile to realize it, though. It was the day we finished working on the Spidey-Mobile, if you have to know."

By always he means eleven years. All of adult life, most of his teenage years, he's been in love with Peter Parker, even if he didn't even know that was his name for most of that time.

" _Oh_ ," Peter says slowly, like now he's getting it, why Johnny was so upset about him building the Spidey-Mobile without him.

"I just--I needed you to know how much you mean to me, Pete," Johnny explains. "Just this once. It's okay if you don't feel the same way, and it doesn't have to change anything between us. Really."

He hopes it won't.

Nothing happens for a few minutes, like Peter's just turning Johnny's little declaration of love over and over in his head. Johnny knows that's exactly what he's doing--Peter overthinks everything. 

It's what makes him such a damn good superhero, but right now, Johnny wishes that Peter was a little bigger on the action than on the overthinky-ness.

So he's surprised to feel Peter's fingers twisting in his shirt. He looks down to try to figure out what the hell is happening. Is Peter going to toss him off of the building for being pathetic? That's fair, he guesses. He's pretty pathetic without his family. He's always known that.

Then he looks up at Peter's face for the first time since he said it. He doesn't get to see much, because Peter's lips press against his, and for a few seconds Johnny has everything he ever wanted. 

Peter keeps one hand fisted in Johnny's t-shirt, but reaches up with the other to curl his hand around the back of Johnny's neck.

He strokes his thumb along Johnny's cheek, and it's intimate and oh so wonderful.

When Peter pulls back, Johnny chases his mouth, because this is the best he's felt since before Sue and Reed and the kids died, and he doesn't want it to end.

He keeps his eyes shut for a beat, enjoying the lingering warmth of Peter's lips on his, and still a little afraid of what he'll see in Peter's eyes when he opens his own. 

He does anyways, because he has to know, and Peter's hazel eyes are only a few inches from his. Johnny's never really seen them from this close up. They're more beautiful than he'd thought they'd be. He can never tell Peter that.

"Hey," Peter says, and his eyes crinkle up in the corners like he's smiling. 

"Hey," Johnny says back. He blinks. "Uh. So. Does--does this mean you want--uh."

"To date you," Peter says slowly, because Johnny embarrassingly sounds like he's suddenly gone brain-dead. "Yes. That is what it means, Johnny."

"Oh," Johnny says as it sinks in. Peter wants to date him. " _Oh_."

He can't help it--a smile spreads across his face, huge and bright and happy. Johnny doesn't think he's smiled like this since--since before everything happened.

Peter's eyes are fixed on Johnny's smile. He bites his lower lip, and Johnny wants to kiss him again, so he does. He leans in and drags Peter forwards into another kiss.

Johnny closes his eyes and loses himself in the dizzying sweetness of Peter's mouth. 

And it's there, on the roof of his old home, with Peter's arms wrapped around him and Peter's lips pressed against his, that Johnny finally feels like he belongs to someone again, like he maybe always has.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to chat with me on [tumblr](http://timelordsandladies.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
